Sometimes we really do things with the best intentions. We want to be as close to perfect as possible and take the road of least resistance. To stive to make our parents proud or do what we you think is culturally acceptable. I made a really big decision at 22, that I am still grappling with daily and learning to heal from.
The life I dreamed of did not turn out to be that way at all. I was told, through science or google that your brain is not developed well until you are 25. To some degree, I could agree because I felt what I was doing was “right” but in actuality, I had no idea. I was in love and believed he was going to be everything I wanted and hoped for in life.
He was going to be my person, my traveling partner, my best friend, the father of my children.
My ex husband was not all bad, but he changed and the change was unexpected for me. I am very supportive of people being their true selves and being happy. But I consistently did not make that a priority for myself. I trusted him and gave him the freedom to be himself and to explore his religion. But I followed him and completely tagged along to his life.
I had to sit with myself and really evaluate who I truly am and learn to connect with myself. For years, I was shell of a person. Just doing what I had to do, for my family. Not anchored to my core and my spirit. Until one day while meditating I sat and heard a small voice. In that moment forced myself to sit and listen. And although she was found deep in my womb, she was there, but made her small voice heard. From that moment on I vowed to never ignore her again. Alas, my journey to self rediscovery began.
Questions I later asked myself…
- Why are we not secure as women with just ourselves?
- Are women wired to attach to a man for sustenance?
- Are women supposed to follow them blindly, and be non confrontational for the sake of our family and their ego?
- Do we feel we are not as capable to do life on our own, without a male presence to support us?
- Do women need the attachment of a man to succeed and start when they have power to take it away and manipulate us?