“Seems like no one goes through tougher times, than someone trying to do Right”
When I married young, I thought I was doing a honorable and noble thing. Growing up closely with my grandparents, I thought it was the better way to do things. My parents and other members of my family had children young and I knew I didn’t want to have kids before marriage. Deep down, I wanted what my grandparent had, the long-lasting, unconditional love. My grandparents married at 19, therefore getting married at 22 was not so foreign to me. I thought I was ready to a make a commitment for life, with someone I barely knew, but thought was my best friend and ready to be my life partner. Nothing can stop a determined, head strong 22 year old.
Young marriage can work well at times. From my experience here is what I think you need:
- Compatability: A person you can be yourself with, are comfortable with, you understand each other with no judgement. Compatable emotionally and spiritually.
- Connected with your heart and with who you are to your core as person. I lacked that personal information. I definitely heard myself thinking but did not pay her attention.
- Personal Goals: Unfortuntely, I did not have any goals for myself that were non-negotiable. I wanted to travel and I did in undergrad, but after that I really had no plans of what I truly wanted to do with myself. Having a plan would have helped me not fall for the first thing that came my way. It would’ve gave me the focus I needed to be with someone who would help me acheive those goals.
- Communication: They say communication is key for a reason. You need to say how you feel, listen, discuss changes, and goals. Work to ensure you are both in the same book, in the same chapter, on the same page.
There were so many red flags in our relationship which I ignored. Along with our family and friends not not agreeing with our marriage. But we did not listen.
Our Reasons for Marriage
I thought we loved each other and were trying to do right by Allah and not sin. We were “practicing” Islam. We were boyfriend and girlfriend before we started practicing Islam, and after converting we still had the attraction and love. We were living in my apartment alone together, which in Islam is against the rules to be alone unmarried. My conviction in Islam overshadowed my personal values. My focus was to be a perfect Muslim because I believed I was starting life on a clean slate, as a new Muslim.
Despite our families advice, we decided to get married anyway. We pushed for our wedding to be in September. We were young, in love and a bit short-sighted that we did not want to wait until May. That seemed like a lifetime away. To say we rushed was a understatement, we sprinted towards marriage!
I was wholly unaware the magnitude and impact marriage made and how it would affect the trajectory of my life. I had dreams of traveling the world together and slowly experiencing life with the person who I thought was my person, where we shared the same goals and dreams. Once I realized we weren’t on the same page, I was already commitited to trying to be. I experienced what it means when people grow apart. It is not intentional, its just life and growing as people. His goals in life did not match with mine. We moved to DC a year after marriage, and I was 5 months pregnant. That was the beginning, of the end of my life, as I knew it.